january 2, 2020—morning thoughts

Beginning day 2 morning thoughts…slept quite well last night; how glorious, to not be wakened at 3 am with a headache and massive dose of anxiety coursing through my veins and brain, and heart racing so hard it feels like it’s going to rattle itself right out of my ribcage….

I did the non-live AE a few months back and I don’t remember if it was an actual exercise/comment that I’d encountered then, but I recall deciding to approach those 30 AF days with a mindset that I’m in the ICU. For so long, I’ve been living in a delusional state, not acknowledging the insidious havoc drinking was wreaking on every facet of my life, but sooooo easily dismissed—I’ve never had a DUI, I’ve never spent a night in jail, I’ve never lost a job, I’m not nearly as bad as X!, I’ve never ruined a holiday gathering, I’ve never blacked out, I’ve never…still. I can’t stop at one glass of wine. Weekend drinking has seeped into the week days. I wake up more mornings than not, hung over, irritable, nauseous, eat like shit, sleep like shit, brain is clogged with fog. And as someone in the health and wellness profession, living a dual life, like I am the biggest fraud, was so tiring. I can’t keep up the ruse much longer.

I acknowledged fully, for the first time in my life, that alcohol doesn’t do ANY of the things for me that I’ve believed for so long. I’m not more relaxed (I turn into an overly-sensitive, hyper critical bitch; and that’s not even counting the hungover me), I’m not funnier (I say some really stupid things when drunk), I’m not sexier (sex is plain and simply AWFUL when drunk, let’s be real. And, take a look at my day 1 photos—someone definitely needs better sleep, nutrition and hydration, not to mention a haircut, if she thinks she’s going to get any action any time soon. I’m not smarter (just mouthier), I’m not braver (driving drunk is BRAVE??!! Jesus…). It occurred to me, like a bitch-slap to the face, how bizarrely, dangerously incongruous my beliefs about alcohol and the reality of it really is.

Once again, I am going to approach this 30 days with this ICU mindset—for one month, I am going to intensively care for myself by not drinking. The very act of deciding to not do the thing that has such an impact on everything in my life is an immeasurable, caregiving gift to myself. But I’m not just going to stop drinking, I’m gong to commit to all the work. Whenever I balk at the work, all I have to do is remind myself at just how much time and energy and other precious resources I wasted, getting wasted. It’s only 30 days. I wouldn’t have come up with this analogy/mindset if it weren’t for being committed to the videos, the exercises, the digging deep, and learning the truth about what alcohol really does to a body. Not just mine, but every body. These are quick, off-the cuff morning thoughts, have to run to work now (not hungover! win!!), may edit/clarify later when I return. All the best to you all on this journey! xo!

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