january 2, 2020—evening thoughts

Ending Day 2 thoughts: OHMYGODTHISHASBECOMEMYFULLTIMEJOB!!!!

Then: WHENDOIGETPAID???

Then, WHENAMIGOINGTOGETANYTHINGELSEDONE????

Then: OHMYGODSHUTTHEHELLUPTHINKOFHOWMUCHTIMEYOUVEWASTEDDRINKINGTHISISNOTHINGINCOMPARISON!!! and then? then? THEN…I happened upon Kate Riffel’s video that addresses this very thing and I couldn’t help but laugh and cry at the same time over the beautiful serendipity of the moment. ut for real, I can’t quit y’all—I’m consuming your posts; our stories are so familiar, so entwined, even coming from such different histories.

I’ve been so alone for so long in this struggle, but have felt there’s no help/hope for someone like me, who falls between the proverbial cracks—the “not that bads,” as I’ve come to call myself and others like me—the ones who glide under the radar, undetected, wondering if the only help available is reserved for the rock-bottoms, wondering if that’s what it has to take—that I have to get “that bad” before I can get the help I yearn for. This program underscores that this is not true. I know this could be a “honeymoon phase” that I’m at, but still, two days in, I’m already feeling a monumental shift, and I truly believe it’s this live version that’s making all the difference—finding the tribe who speaks the hidden language, sharing the strange customs of our fucked up, albeit human stories, every one I read is having a profound impact.

Thank you all, for sharing your hearts and your heartbreaks, for being courageous and vulnerable in giving this experiment a try, in spite of your terrors, skepticism, denial, resistance, fears…I have so many more thoughts to share, but I need to hit the hay now…don’t quit quitting…xo!

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