february 19, 2020—halfway to 100

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Half way to 100—Day 50 AFAF. I’ve been sick the past few days, possibly but hopefully not pneumonia (the people I was around this past weekend have been dropping like flies—I mean, not literally dying, but seriously knocked on their asses by this nasty infection). I’m feeling a little better today (does anyone else swear by the magic/placebo effect of Excedrin, btw??!! 😅), so I hope I dodged a direct hit—must be all this good, clean livin’ I’m engaging in. I’m tellin’ ya, in spite of three days of sore throat, body aches, head aches, and vile muck expelling from my lungs and my nose (where does it all come from, I want to know!!!), this beats a hangover any day. Along with that pretty thought, here are more thoughts on this monumental day in my life:
  1. Barring a medical crisis in 2001, when I was diagnosed with epilepsy and couldn’t drink for nearly two years while on anti-seizure meds (though I can’t say with 100% certainty that I was alcohol free that whole time; if I looked back at old photos of that period, I may very likely find out otherwise), I have not gone 50 days without alcohol since drinking became my second major (ha), when I started college in 1986. Which figures out to be about 3 decades. My GOD, that fact stuns and humbles me.
  2. My drinking wasn’t always “that bad,” (which I now know is highly subjective) but frankly, it’s always been bad (in my defense, I was responding to a powerful culture that fosters and promotes a very fucked up view of alcohol—that anyone escapes it, unscathed, is a miracle indeed). I can say in all honesty, I’ve been a binge drinker my whole drinking career. Out of the gate, the only point to drinking, I learned early on, was to get drunk. In college, it was cheep beer and high-alcohol drinks (Long Island Iced teas and wapatui parties anyone?); as a “mature adult,” the binging became more “sophisticated.” My husband was in the wine biz, so we attended many a wine event in our years together; we’d joke how wine tastings are just frat parties all prettied up.
  3. Right now, my data points consist of immersing myself in situations where I’d normally drink, but *not* drink, and instead, observe, take mental notes on how I respond physically, mentally, emotionally, etc. in such settings, which is far more revealing and valuable for me, than if I were to “collect a data point” via drinking. I already have more than enough data on that—over three decades’ worth. I want to learn more about how I authentically feel and respond in various settings without the interference of booze. Sometimes it’s so uncomfortable, I want to crawl right out of my skin, other times, it’s such a stunning, whole body experience, it’s almost other-worldly…
  4. Being alcohol free in settings where I’d normally drink is fascinating field study; sometimes it’s a blast—one-to-one conversations are pure and engaging, I feel deeply connected with others, all my senses are fully engaged—but frankly as often, it’s a tedious chore. Crowds overwhelm me, drunk people test my patience immensely (which makes me wonder how many people have been annoyed by my drunken behavior in my past??), my senses are kicked into overdrive and I find myself shutting down agains the assault. I’m still trying to figure out if it’s me still needing time to recalibrate my sober self to various settings, or if I’m simply learning that I really don’t like to do a lot of the things I thought I did (hanging out in bars for hours on end, drinking, has definitely fallen off my “Things I Love To Do” list!). Probably a bit of both.
  5. My work load has grown dramatically in the past two months (I’m a restorative exercise specialist and Pilates teacher) and as magical as that sounds—”I quit drinking and POOF! Wonderful things happen!”— it completely makes sense. The more obvious explanation is, in the past, my unaddressed cognitive dissonance about my drinking was so unsettling, it prevented me from really putting myself “out there” as a professional, because I felt like such a fraud—how can I call myself a health and wellness specialist when I have this dark, secret, very unhealthy side to myself? God, what a hypocrite…that, gratefully, is no longer an internal dialogue in my head. My actions and my beliefs are more in harmony with one another, and brings peace and clarity to my head and heart.
  6. I’m stunned at my calmer, cooler and more collected response to things that would normally send me into a tizzy (whatever a “tizzy” is!): my car breaking down in the middle of an intersection (instead of freaking the hell out, I wrote a poem as I waited over an hour for AAA!), rush hour traffic, challenging clients, a messed-up doctor appointment, family crises. In other words: life still happens, but I feel better equipped to deal with the curveballs.
  7. I’m not only on time, but I’m EARLY for appointments! 😱
  8. I vacillate between believing I’ve become the most hilarious/creative/badass/sexy AFAF mofo on earth to thinking I’m the dullest, most dowdy/uninspiring/sanctimonious acting-president of the local chapter of the New Women’s Christian Temperance Movement to ever walk this earth. Usually my badass AFAF mofo (in leather chaps, halter and motorcycle boots, of course), wins out, but some days, Sanctimonious Queen of Dullsville in her sensible shoes, granny panties and too-tight bun reigns supreme. Still not enough to make me want to drink, tho.
  9. I am sitting in deep grief right now. Not for my drinking self, not for my drinking life—I truly don’t miss either of those right now, at all, but for all the years I wasted, being wasted. All the opportunities that I’ve missed out o; how deeply I want to redo just about every monumental event in my life, hell, even the non-monumental ones—from weddings, to births, to caregiving, to hospice, to funerals, to graduations, to vacations, to concerts to dinners with friends, night after night alone—to re-experience them with a clear mind and heart. I know I can’t change the past, and every minute of every day is an opportunity to begin a new way. Still, grief is grief and it, too is a messy, nonlinear, feeling-all-the-feels process layered on top of who knows how many messy, nonlinear feeling-all-the-feels processes…
  10. I also keep reminding myself that, even with a sketchy history with alcohol, I’ve still done some pretty amazing things in my life. And I’m allowing myself grace and dignity: quite frankly, given some of the shit I’ve been through—that we all have been through—I honestly don’t know how we could have gotten through some of that without self-medicating in some way, shape or form. We only know what we know at the time, right? Once we become aware of a new way, we can do different, even if we don’t know what the hell we’re doing as we begin. That’s how cycles are broken—when someone decides to do different, and then does it. Without a blueprint, or well-laid plan, or much of anything at all but a desire. Annie’s book has this great line: “Change often happens when the pain of the current situation becomes so great, you become willing to change without fully understanding what the future holds.” I’m learning that I can literally do anything else, that I don’t have to drink to deal, or numb, or get through, even though this territory is foreign, and dealing with “all the feels” is sometimes outright excruciating, the payoff is worth it, so worth it.
  11. Which also reminds me that life is not static, it’s always shape-shifting, ebbing, flowing, evolving and growing, and it’s ugly and beautiful and horrible and mind-blowing and awe-inspiring and awful all at the same time, and I want to be fully present for every damned minute of the rest of my life. Here’s to another 50. xo
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february 16, 2020—big hair, don’t care

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Both of my sisters had big roles in their community’s Valentine’s day performance of Tony and Tina’s Wedding this weekend; they coerced me, again, as only sisters can do, to come out of hairdressing retirement and do their hair for the show. It doesn’t matter to them that I don’t do hair any more, that I haven’t done hair in nearly 10 years, and when I did, I never did big hair—my specialty was sleek bobs, sassy cropped ‘dos, and naturally textured hair— the extreme opposite end of the hair spectrum from the “Jersey Shore, the Lost 80s Years” look they desired. (Though I’m a product of the 80s, I was a “new wave” kinda chick—short asymmetrical, edgy was my scene). All of that is to say, I have no idea what the hell I’m doing when it comes to “big hair!”
For those who are unfamiliar with Tony and Tina’s Wedding, it’s an improv-esque show, where audience members are also “guests” at this raucous wedding—lots of crazy antics are going on all around and audience members are expected to join in on the fun, from the wild conga line and bouquet toss, to joining grandma snorting “coke” (B12 powder, btw), and a pregnant bridesmaid taking swigs from a bracelet flask, another bridesmaid belly-dancing to Ave Maria, to bawdy jokes by the resident nun and priest, lots and lots of dancing—immense sensory overload for this newly-professed introvert. Just typing all that gave me a mild anxiety attack.
I was roped into the same behind-the-scenes role last year, but mostly in a boozy haze—last year’s performance was a month after our mom’s death, we were reeling form her unexpected departure, any time my siblings and I got together was an occasion to “toast” our mom and grieve our hearts out. Last year’s performance of T&T was no exception. It was fun, but heartbreaking and emotional and all kinds of things wrapped up into that weekend, which turned into a haze that ended in, of course, a massive hangover and not a lot of coherent memories.
SO. Fast forward a year later. This weekend, I did the hair and attended the “wedding.” 100% sober AF. Here are some of my field notes:
  1. I remember every last minute of the night
  2. time goes much slower when sober, sometimes ecstatically, other times excruciatingly, so
  3. drunk people are simultaneously entertaining, exhausting and downright annoying
  4. All night long—this was a 3 1/2 hour performance, not counting our big hair performance prior—I was hit by wave after wave of “good GOD, give me a drink—MANY drinks—so I can tolerate all these f’ing drunk people!!!!” (which were audience members—the cast isn’t allowed to drink “on the job”).
  5. Which made me think a lot about the many reasons this introvert drinks (correction: drank—47 days AFAF today!)—to numb myself to sensory overload that literally feels assaulting at times, to tolerate (and engage in) unintelligible conversations, to kick my introverted nature into “extroverted” high gear to fit in
  6. Fortified by sparkly water, I rode the waves (no one questioned what I was drinking, btw, because I didn’t make a production about it and because really, no one actually cares!), I observed, engaged when so inclined, sat back and just observed as needed, and took copious mental notes. I was briefly tempted to collect a “data point” by drinking, but quickly thought, “what’s the point? I know, too well, where that would take me.” My 47 days AF are too precious to me and right now, I’m fiercely protective of them; instead, riding the waves (a helluva a skill to develop, btw), studying my thoughts, feelings, reactions to these kind of settings, AFAF, are far more valuable data.
  7. I collapsed into bed at the end of the night (AFTER washing my face and brushing my teeth AND putting on jammies!). exhausted, but without gorging on wings or pizza or some other booze-fueled greasy shit-food late-night “snack”
  8. I woke up so refreshed, well-rested, and awash in fond memories of the evening, not a single regret of saying or doing something stupid, embarrassing, humiliating, or completely out of my true nature
  9. My AF self is more reticent but much more present and engaged with her world that my drunk self ever was. I was able to absorb all the action going on around me from a broader sense, laughed authentically, danced like Lorraine on Seinfeld and didn’t give a damned what I looked like, and conversed with true connections, rather than experiencing the showing from a myopic, self-centered place
  10. Talking with drunk people is exhausting—trying to keep up with loud, looping, nonsensical conversations that never seem to go anywhere wore on my patience. The jokes are not funny, conversations not particularly insightful, and it’s curious how reactive people can get if you don’t get their jokes or what they’re trying to say…but instead of reacting back, I simply smiled and excused myself
  11. My sisters’ hair KICKED MAJOR ASS, the hairdos became their own characters! People couldn’t keep their hands off the hair, like they were touching sculptures! 😅 My sister, Jill (in white) used her bouffant as a “purse,” pulling lipstick and kleenex from her pompadour; my youngest sister, Gretchen (in red), rocked out to a Joan Jett solo, and her hair rocked along with her, withstanding vigorous air-guitaring and head-banging, conga-dancing and going into “labor” at the end of the show!
  12. My mad hairdressing skillz have gone back into retirement, until maybe next year.
  13. I had a GREAT time at the wedding! Though, dancing sober is going to take some practice…
  14. Thanks for reading and for being on this journey with me. xo

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february 6, 2020—introverts unite! (alone, in our homes!)

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Attention all introverts (and ambiverts/extroverted introverts!)…I’ve read my share of “quit lit;” it’s entertaining (let’s be real: extremes grab our attention, sell all the books and movies), inspiring and eye-opening to read about someone else’s epic rock-bottom and their equally epic turnabout, but they’re not always helpful to me. They can be difficult for me to relate to, because I wasn’t “that bad” (to which I could probably add “yet”). The slow, undetectable burn of “not that bad” is a curious purgatory of its own; until I discovered The Naked Mind/TAE and several other very helpful AF sources, I thought I had to get “that bad” before I could get the help I was desperately seeking. I can’t remember where I saw the recommendation for this book, “Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World that Can’t Stop Talking,” but it’s bringing profound clarity to one of the reasons my drinking escalated—a coping strategy to fit into a culture that values, celebrates, encourages and rewards all the things that introverts aren’t. Cain’s take on Tony Robbins, spoiler alert, is definitely, decidedly anti-TAE/Naked Mind, but will likely resonate deeply with introverts who find that brand of “be your loudest, wildest best self!!!!!!!” repelling. Rock on (or sit quietly with this book or take that walk in the woods, blissfully alone, it’s all good) with your introspective, valuable, equally important baddass selves, fellow introverts of the world. 💜

https://www.theguardian.com/books/2012/mar/22/quiet-power-introverts-susan-cain-review?fbclid=IwAR0qFp9kZ0eviw-5gwuHWaQqYJ5nvs6mZAAutBELT9t18ucBlruF5aHmGMA

january 31, 2020—

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One final (short!!!) post before they pull the plug here: because of the live TAE, and every single one of you, you’ve helped me find the courage to let my hair down about a hidden secret part of my life that had become more burden than it was worth keeping … the lightness of this new space reminds me of being a kid again and I want to live here forever…please, please, PLEEEEEEESE, everyone, head over to the after party at the Alum page! And the AF happiest hour ever page—I can’t quit you!!!!!!!!!!! 💜💜💜💜

 

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january 29, 2020—nearing the end of TLAE…

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Well. It wouldn’t be the end with out one last epic post (epic, as in Beowulf. In length, I mean, not poetics) from me—oh wait—there’s one more day left! But, in case I run out of time and can’t deliver one more soliloquy before the real end tomorrow, I just wanted to share everything I learned on this 30 day journey with you. Yes. Everything. Grab a sparkly water, or some of that bullshit kombucha more than a few of you are so fond of, maybe a coffee to stay awake, pull up a chair and get comfy. Or you can just skip over my ramblings here, that’s cool, too.
  1. I have never gone beyond 30 days without alcohol (baring a medical situation in the mid 90s, which was “forced abstinence,” not a conscious choice), not since I began drinking when I was 18. I’m now 51. That fact blows my mind.
  2. I have gone 30 days without alcohol countless times in recent years. Each time, I considered that “proof!” that alcohol wasn’t a problem in my life, and quickly resumed my pre-30 day pace as soon as the month was up (failing to see the problem in that…). This time was waaaaaaay different, and I’m still not sure what the alchemy/formula/reason is—my guess is that previous attempts were fueled by willpower alone, not a lot of facts (if any), nor did I set the foundation by analyzing my own belief system/house of cards that I’d haphazardly stacked up around alcohol over the years. And other things, too, that I’ll come back to, if I don’t meander too far off down a sparkly tangent.
  3. “Not that bad” is a euphemism/synonym in my mind for “moderation,” and is a precarious place for me to be, where alcohol is concerned. Too much room for creative interpretation, and I’m nothing, if not creative. It’s time to channel that gift and energy to better use.
  4. I have never analyzed my personal history/relationship with alcohol like this, ever. Holy shitballs smothered in come-to-Jesus sauce….as much as I’ve learned about myself, I also know there’s still many more layers to slog through. But what I used to fear is now a process I’m honestly curious about and actually looking forward to digging in deeper—coming to terms with big chunks of my life that I’ve numbed myself/disengaged from for years and I know now have been holding me back from so much, for too long. The day of reckoning is nigh and I finally have a clear mind, peace in my heart and a whole-body curiosity to find out for myself, if what Annie Grace says is true: that instead of asking “How much do I have to give up if I stop drinking?”, I can reframe the question: to “Is this all there is?” (should I continue to drink), or “What will I gain should I stop drinking?” I want to know what’s on the other side of 30 days. A whole year without alcohol no longer scares me; rather, it intrigues and beckons. As Annie also says, I want alcohol to be small and insignificant in my life.
  5. “Feeling all the feels” never really meant anything to me before because it’s impossible to feel anything when anesthetized by alcohol. Even if I wasn’t actively drinking, disengaging had become my default mode. “Feeling all the feels” means the world to me, now, because it’s exactly what happened when I decided, with intention, to be AF for the month and do the work that accompanies this experiment. Makes #1—4 up there really, really, really uncomfortable and overwhelming at times, but for the first time in forever, I haven’t reached for a glass (followed by 5 more glasses of wine) to “deal;” instead, I am crying authentic tears of grief and joy, and laughing deep, soulful laughs, and really listening to what others have to say in conversations, and thinkng before knee-jerk responding…I feel more compassionate and empathetic. “Feeling all the feels” feels like being a kid again. I love it here, and right now, feel like could live like this forever.
  6. I can literally do everything I’ve always done, without drinking. Well, except, of course, drink. And that doesn’t bother me and I’m surprised as all hell by this, but accept it, gratefully and graciously. I am damned lucky.
  7. I was never taught to drink responsibly (is anyone, ever?). Out of the gate, the expectation was: drink to get drunk. Period. Which means I’ve been “drinking to get drunk” since I was 18. Did I mention I’m now 51? But mentally, I’m 26, so it all evens out. I don’t even know what that means. Welcome to my AFAF ADHD (undiagnosed, unmedicated, fully expressed) Creative Math WTF world.
  8. Drinking to relax, or take “the edge” off, or whatever I formerly thought about alcohol, for me, is not true. I believed it to be so, though, for so long, simply because I never challenged this supposed belief (how convenient—I get to keep doing what I’m doing, if I simply ignore the disharmony! And by “ignore the disharmony,” of course I mean “drink.” Willful ignorance is not bliss). But when I applied the A.C.T method to it (and essentially every other belief I formerly held about alcohol), I have to admit, that yes, that first drink chilled me a bit, but I can never recreate that initial, fleeting relaxed mild euphoria. With each drink, I become more on edge, paranoid, mouthy, defensive, overly sensitive, reckless, judgmental—a whole lotta things I’d never tolerate in a friend or lover or family member, even… AND, let’s be real , everyone: drunk sex sucks big time, and not in a good way. WHY THE HELL HAVE I NEVER BEFORE QUESTIONED THIS FACT?!!!
  9. All of the brave photos that everyone shared are compelling—heartbreaking and hopeful. There’s no denying it: drinking makes all of us look exhausted, sad, defeated, ill—how much more proof do we need than those Day 1 photos? BUT, what about those later photos?! Quitting drinking took 10 years and 10 pounds (sometimes those 10 lbs were metaphorical, not physical, but in my not-so humble opinion, matter far more) from our heavy loads, and lit a flame of hope in every set of eyes—the evidence was apparent in just a few days for some of you! I absolutely loved to see all the smiles, however tentative, reappear. Right there, looking back at me is proof of all. the. good. things.
  10. I used to think that bolting wide awake at 3:33 a.m., with rapid heart rate, sweats, mind spinning on puree was residual Catholic guilt haunting me for all my drunken transgressions. Turns out, it was kind of Catholic, an exorcism of sorts—my body desperately trying to expunge a toxic substance. That fact alone drops me to my knees. In spite of such abuse, my body will still do everything it can to save me from myself. oh my…huge breath…
  11. When I compare my Day 1 to Day 24 (I think) photos, I am most struck by my Day 1 picture. It brings me to tears to look at my face and see the hard evidence of how I’ve hurt myself, for so long. I don’t ever want to do that to myself, again.
  12. I asked if you all would share anecdotal evidence about changes in health conditions, and you delivered the goods in mass quantities: skin conditions clearing, weight loss, mental clarity, anxiety lessening, digestive issues resolving, blood pressure/heart rate, cholesterol, blood sugar results improving, sleeping better, energy levels rising, better sex (SEX SELLS, Y’ALL!), more productive at work or with home projects, more motivation to work out/returning to yoga or other mindful movement practice, puffiness gone, joint pain and other pains disappearing, bellies shrinking, confidence improving, relationships more meaningful, reduction/outright cessation of anxiety/mental health medications, memory improving, becoming aware of health conditions that were being numbed out by alcohol—you all BLEW ME AWAY with your reports from the field, and all have had an instrumental role in my decision to continue down the AFAF path.
  13. I once read that “your soul loves you so much, it will use your body to try to get your attention.” #8—11 above speak profoundly to that wisdom. Our souls are speaking loudly to us. It’s time we listen.
  14. This program is here for us, for life. #AFAF4LYF
  15. Lucky 15 (I tried to stop at 13. Big surprise I couldn’t). I was 100% skeptical when I signed up for this facebook group—it was honestly almost the deal-breaker. I did not expect to fall in love with 2224 strangers, or care so much about you as I do. But I do, deeply. Thank you, everyone single one of you, especially Annie, Scott Pinyard with the beard of legends, and all the mentors/moderators, for your generous, grace-filled, courageous, loving presence on this journey with me. I learned so much from each of you, and wish we all could continue together, supporting each other as we have been, like one big (mostly) happy dysFUNctional family, just like my own real family, but with 2219 more siblings😅! I hope to cross paths with you all in other dimensions of this journey. A wise woman once said, be kind, it’s chaos out there. Miss you already…💜💜💜💜💜

january 28, 2020—health check-in recap

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Hey all! At the beginning of this experiment, I had asked if people would observe their own personal health concerns for the 30 day experiment, then check back in with any changes they’ve experienced. We’re nearing the end (I can’t even…🥺😢😭)—is anyone wiling to share any changes that you’ve observed in your own body—physical, mental, emotional, heck, even spiritual—over the past month? We know the science of what alcohol does to our bodies, I’m so curious to hear actual personal anecdotes/evidence—doesn’t have to be dramatic, just a change you’ve noticed in your own blessed body over the month… I’ll go first: my mental health has made a STUNNING shift—clarity in thoughts, less negative, less-reactive (except my swearing…that’ll never go away! :)—like a thick layer of smog has cleared from my brain. Next? (p.s. thank you for sharing!!💜)

Responses (edited for privacy/clarity/space):

  • KC: Sure, thinner, not puffy, clear eyes, normal BP, normal heart rate, no palpitations, no belly, skin has cleared up, mental clarity, not hot all the time, not sweating all the time, appetite has improved and sleep has normalized ❣️
  • LO: Much less anxiety and depression, joint pain is better, better sleep, better skin, better digestion. 😍
  • FA: My resting heart rate has dropped from 100-105bpm to 65-70bpm. Amazing! My heart must be thinking it’s on vacation because it isn’t working so hard!!
  • IM: My anxiety has dropped immensely ,I’m much calmer ,happier and more fun to be around .I am having my bloods done on3rd Feb and am super keen to see if my cholesterol has gone down .I will post in the main FB page Jennifer …summing it up ,I feel great but know I have a long way to go yet 🧜‍♀️🧜‍♀️
  • SF:  My sleep! I’ve been a partner at a law firm for 2 yrs now & kept thinking I couldn’t handle the increased stress and always cited the fact that I was up from 2-4AM ALL THE TIME. For 2 years. 
    But I was also drinking every single day.
    I’m still stressed, but I’m sleeping all night almost every night!
  • LD: Blood pressure dropped
  • FC: Sleeping through the night. My resting heart rate was 78-80 at the beginning of the month. Now it is 65!!! My joints aren’t as achy, my belly has gone down, and I’m happier!!!!
  • IE: Less irritable, more optimistic, clearer eyes, brighter skin, less bloated, more confident, more accepting of life and ability to better handle adversities. Glass half full instead of half empty feeling. Engaging more in life, community, and increased compassion for others.
  • CW: Sleep is better, skin has actually changed colour! Resting heart rate down from 67 to 55, calmer, happier, more energy, belly gone down, lost weight, more productive, more motivated, nicer person, sharper witted, more even keel, only need to watch films once, a bit fitter, exercising more, more present.
              Jennifer Hildebrandt CW—watching movies only once!!! WHO KNEW IT WAS EVEN POSSIBLE! 
  • PL: All of the above. Except I started drinking again and gained 2.5 lbs in 4 days. Enough! Back to square one! I just can’t anymore!
  • JM: Tummy gone, clear bright eyes, mental clarity, calmer, sleeping for Australia, skin improved
  • SRK: Blood pressure and resting heart rate are down, anxiety is much better, stomach is flatter, energy levels are up, sleep is better, digestion is better.
  • WB: Better sleep. Better able to manage anxiety. More energy. Less bloated but didn’t lose the 5 or so pounds I was hoping for which was a little surprising.
  • SO: Skin looks amazing, feeling calm, better sleep mental clarity, more confidence, being more present, less irritable, feeling of peace, more grateful……most of changes have come from within ❤️
    • Jennifer Hildebrandt: SO, those internal changes though, right??!! 💜💜💜
    • SO: Jennifer Hildebrandt I am so appreciate these internal changes. They are making my life richer!
  • FA: I quit my 1 or 2 a day habit of smoking cigarettes. My body felt better and the smoking made me physically sick.
    • Jennifer Hildebrandt That’s REALLY interesting, FA!!! Were you surprised when that happened or did you expect it?
    • FO: Jennifer Hildebrandt I think the mostly AF months was very good for me and just said no to nicotine. I smoked for about 9 years, quit for 23 years and resumed in rehab. Also the videos from Annie and Scott helped me really evaluate my health from all angles.
  • SA: My gut health is a lot better. Not great yet, but definitely improving! Skin looks so good and my double chin is gone. I’ve started doing yoga everyday and my body feels happier.
    • JD: SA, my gut health has improved significantly too! Not waking up in the middle of the night with abdominal pain. Have you tried probiotics with a meal. It’s helped me I think
  • CW: Haven’t taken my anxiety meds in well over a week! (Came to realize I was taking them to deal with my hangovers! 😩. Super scary). Energy is soo much better- although I still have exhaustion days). I’m consistently working out. More present for my kids …
    • JF: CW, I haven’t taken Xanax since starting! It’s amazing.
  • RSH: Anxiety and depression GONE!
  • LS: Less anxiety, I work with numbers and recall is amazing compared to before. Sleeping better. Moving with intention.
    • Jennifer Hildebrandt Donna—the recall piece—HUGE! kinda scary, how much I was forgetting, even on days I wasn’t drinking…
  • CJ: My IBS is significantly better.
    Also, my feet were burning hot all the time (for about 2 years) now back to being normal temp.
  • WD: Being retired I have a lot of “me“ time. I’m finding I’m happier living with me. Might not sound like much but I’ve gained my self respect back.
    • PT: This is amazing! After all, wherever you go, there you are!
    • Jennifer Hildebrandt: WD, that’s HUGE. the internal stuff, to me, is even more remarkable than the external, as it ends up significantly affecting everything else…xxoo!
  • NFE: Lower anxiety and depression. Finding joy in small things. Less bloating. Clear headed. Better use of time during the day (and evening)
    One thing I’m struggling with right now, is I notice my anxiety is creeping in over the fact that this program is ending. Still AF
    • PT:  So happy for you; what a lot of positive changes you have experienced and noticed! There are so many ways to stay connected – instead of worrying, see if you can visualize what you want the next 30 days to look like. Perhaps a new community group, adult education, a hobby or sport. There are so many things to explore!!
    • NFE: PT, you are so right, and I am starting to look at what I what next steps to be for my personal development. Thank you for the reminder!
  • BD: Definitely more calm and rational when stressed (specifically when dealing with my kids!), I feel like a “better” person in general. Nothing to be guilty of, more confidence, proud to have been on this AF journey and really proud of myself for sticking with the 30 days
  • JS:  I’m more at peace with myself. 💜
    Not beating up my self in the mornings and remembering EVERYTHING from the bight before🤷‍♀️
  • EC: I used to have an issue with vasodilation many years ago that caused my legs to itch intensely going from hot/warm to cold – I think some people experience it coming out of the shower or after a workout – this was years ago when I could take or leave alcohol…
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    • Jennifer Hildebrandt THAT’S fascinating, EC!! Good luck with your investigation!
    • EC Jennifer thank you…I’m thinking it’s perhaps been ‘numbed’ by alcohol and now my nerves are operating at full tilt?! It’s so interesting isn’t it how things change so much!
  • TV: More calm and centered within myself and that even with a brand new puppy that pees all over the house 🤣I achieved more goals in those 28 days that i did in years, I sometimes just feel happy out of nowhere and proud!
    • Jennifer Hildebrandt; If anything’s going to challenge your new calm and centered state, TV, it’s a new puppy!!!
    • TV Jennifer Hildebrandt haha! That is so very true !!!🤣
  • RY: Mentally: so much better. Calmer. More mindful. Happier.
    Physical: body feels better, lighter. I’m actually MORE aware of my physical pain because I’m not using alcohol to numb it out — but I have the discipline now to cut out the foods that aren’t serving me: dairy, gluten specifically.
    I’ve also lost about 10lbs and have been working out/doing yoga more than I have been the past few months.
    Spiritually: I feel like I’m able to do “my work” with a clear head, heart and mind.
    ——
    I haven’t had any “data points” and I really don’t have any desire to drink. I’m the most surprised by that mental shift. I’m feeling pretty good about the next 30 days and the next after that and so on.
  • NK: Clearer thought processes,reddish face disappearing,pulse rate lower,deeper sleep and generally happier😀
  • ND: Not being worried about someone smelling booze on me is a huge relief! 
    Another one – for the past several years when waking up after drinking too much, I’d be mad at myself, frustrated, praying for forgiveness…Now the first thought in my mind is gratefulness my prayers are very different. Goals have become more of a statement of faith instead of a wish list. ❤️ 41 days strong! 🙌🏼
    • Jennifer Hildebrandt: ND, i’m all kinda teary now, can so relate to that waking up with the shame, anger, begging…and now, waking with such gratitude…
  • MEL: Anxiety is gone. Lower blood pressure
  • JD: Much more relaxed about everything. getting the best sleep for 20 years! Ps and probably saving my life too
    • Jennifer Hildebrandt: JD—saving our own lives is a GREAT way to say it!!! For real!!
  • KI: Clarity. Being able to commit to taking my dad to a 7:45 AM doctors appointment. No binge eating late at night. Calm in the middle of the Pearl storm. Have a doctors appointment later and will see weight loss I can feel. I have a scale but don’t torture myself with it. BUT my tinnitus is still ringing.
  • JJ: Anxiety and depression almost non-existent. That’s a big one. I remember things better. I’m way more calm and patient, especially with my kids. Not over reactionary. More energy (most days). Most notable difference, I hardly ever think about alcohol, I’m not preoccupied with it as I was before. Mostly think only in terms of how great it feels without 😊
    • Jennifer Hildebrandt It’s been my hope, too, that alcohol becomes small and insignificant, as Annie said it did for her—that’s a dream that actually can come true in these 30 days!! 🥰💜💜
    • JJ Jennifer Hildebrandt it took some time, but I got there. Now to focus on staying here 😉 it’s in your grasp!
  • BE: My acid reflux is way down. Also I do not have a strong gag reflex in the morning anymore. Lets see….skin is less red, have not lost weight but I have lost puffy areas through out my body that I know was fluid retention. No scale but this is based on visuals. No more guilt trips and mentally berating myself as an alcoholic…this word is now banned from my lexicon along with loser and helpless. I am mentally more at peace although I believe I am still battling depression. But the depression is no longer a soul sucking banshee that makes every decision seem impossible, And I once again I have HOPE. I never thought this would be obtainable again but there it is every day.
    • Jennifer Hildebrandt All of this…especially banning words that hurt, not help…word do matter, significantly!!
  • JLB: Significant improvement in skin where I was suffering from dermatitis on my face and dermatologist just wanted to treat with steroids to which I said no and took matters into my own hands. Also huge improvement in gut health not suffering from severe episodes of abdominal pain at night. Still have joint pain but improves during the day as I start moving. I probably need to be better with water intake. Good to hear everyone’s stories!
    • Jennifer Hildebrandt That’s awesome, that you followed your gut (haha, punny) and refused the ‘roids for your skin, JLB, and the other health improvements, too!!!
  • RL: I feel calmer and my anxiety is so much less. I’ve had to deal with a couple very stressful situations this month and I handled them differently than I once would have. I’ve also started practicing Yoga again and I love it. I also have a clearer mind and am more focused than ever on building my business. I am so grateful for this journey.
    •  Jennifer Hildebrandt: RL, I agree, with all of what you said! Thanks for checking back in!! 💜💜
  • JR: Two curious physical changes I never would have correlated with alcohol: 1. My gums no longer bleed when I floss. 2. The ringing in my ears (tinnitus) has significantly decreased. I’m hoping it will be 100% gone in another month.
    • CM: JR, I’ve had both of these too!!
    • Jennifer Hildebrandt: Wild!!! Sooo fascinating, you two!!
  • LM: Less depressed, less anxious, better sleep.
    • Jennifer Hildebrandt I sleep soooo well, too! And my DREAMS! Holy cow!!!!! 😂😂😂
  • AR: Warning: this is a little on the woo woo spiritual side! 7 years ago I had an energy healer work on me. I was at my lowest with drinking. Totally unhappy and very overwhelmed with a baby and toddler. I had an out of body experience that opened the door to healing from childhood trauma that I thought was long ago resolved and in the past. The final piece to the puzzle of my 7 year healing journey has been giving up alcohol for good. Anyhoo, this month I found this amazing reiki practitioner and had a similar healing experience with her. Very intense spiritual stuff happened in our session! I wanted to learn more so I took a level 1 reiki training. It turns out that I’m a strong conduit for this energy and I was able to give someone else a similar experience to mine. I’m a reiki healer now, no big deal!
    • Jennifer Hildebrandt “No big deal,” she sez…that’s incredible, AR—love it!
  • PVM: No weight loss at all (which I’m a bit disappointed with) skin is much better, still having acne breakouts, but they seem to be only hormonally related, rather than all the time, eyes brighter, less headaches. I used to have a headache every Tuesday which I attributed to going back to work after the weekend, but in reality it was probably just alcohol withdrawal from every weekend of binge drinking wine! My resting heart beat has dropped significantly and I’m sleeping so much better. My anxiety is so much better and its brought with it a feeling of clarity which has really boosted my confidence.
    • Jennifer Hildebrandt: I sooo relate to the clarity—it’s profound!! And does impact soo many other things in our lives—confidence, interactions with others, getting things done, feeling at peace and content with life…
    • CD: PVMm exactly the same for me.. just thought I’d loose 6lbs considered I was on 10 bottles wine a week!!!! 😱
  • LI: I have had a long history of arthritis (both hips replaced and both shoulders replaced and I AM ONLY 57!). While the replacements are awesome, I would notice occasional joint pain regardless. Especially in my yet to be replaced knees. That seems to have diminished these past 28 days. I know alcohol is inflammatory, so it makes sense. But I was never 100% sure about it… Well, happy to say I am now!
  • CDH: Thank you for checking in Jennifer Hildebrandt! All of the above, plus my specific health concern, which was joint pain in my hips in the morning and stiffness getting out of bed (Hello, I’m only 59…what’s it gonna look like when I’m 90???) is virtually gone. I’ve had a few slips and when I did, it was back…huge data point!
    • Jennifer Hildebrandt Thanks for reporting your discoveries, CDH! I’m finding all of this so fascinating!!
  • KB: Better sleep, no anxiety, BP normal, active and productive, happier, eyes clearer, skin better, dealing with stress easily. Overall, I JUST FEEL GREAT! even though i had a cold for the past 2 weeks
  • JM: My skin is nicer. I’ve even had other people notice. 
    My digestive system seems a lot happier…I get more excited about small things. And I get like over the moon happy 😂
    I’m not having the 2am wake ups which is FAB. But so far I don’t feel more rested. And I feel like I still have bags under my eyes. Maybe I’m not getting quality sleep for some reason. I’d be curious to wear one of those sleep tracker watches. Also my back pain is gone, so far!
    Things that haven’t changed yet: anxiety; No weight loss yet
  • HCN: Not feeling any heart palpitations at night. I have a fib so this is pretty major for my peace of mind.
  • SYN: I have noticed so many things: I’m more patient, more relaxed(ironically), I wake up refreshed, my skin is hydrated and looks better, my belly isn’t bloated all the time, I lost 6 lbs 🙂, I had some inconsistent bowel issues at first but it’s all good now.
  • CVY: less chest pains, less liver pain, finally sleeping better, always hungry, love ice cream, tea, tea, tea!
  • OCJ: Feel like I’m able to think more clearly and calmer and less reactive. If I’m frustrated about a work issue I seem to be able to be more mindful about it and thoughtful in my response. Skin is improving and lost a little weight however having more constipation and gas😆
  • DK: Less anxiety. More clarity, energy, more laughter, less thoughts on alcohol . Skin and eyes clearer . 
    Overall much happier and when I exercise more endurance.
    Still tired and difficult to get to sleep but once I am asleep it is quite heavy. Very happy!
    • Jennifer Hildebrandt I can relate to the tired feelings, DK—I’m sleeping great, but my energy levels have been low, too—I’m attributing it to the long, dark Minnesota winter; I love our wildly different seasons, but by this time of winter, it’s draining… thankfully “happy” balances “tired!” 💜
  • CL: I am so much more relaxed, less aggressive and argumentative. Feel in control of my life. I honestly want to stay sober from now on as alcohol just does not agree with me. Lost friends due to drink. Hope I can make some on this journey 😁
    • Jennifer Hildebrandt: I’m with you CL—I’m soooo drawn to about what’s beyond 30 days AF. All of the wonderful responses to my question inspire me greatly—alcohol really does nothing I formerly believed it did, and I have no interest in doing any of that to myself again. I’m so sorry about your friends—do you mean you’ve lost friends because you stopped drinking? I believe, in time, the ones we want in our lives will begin showing up right when we need them, now that we’re AF…p.s. are you signed up for the Alum January facebook group? If not, let me know and I’ll find the link for you! 💜
    • LD: Jennifer Hildebrandt lovely words thank you. Not sure if I have.. send me the link please. Be great to stay in contact 🥰
  • ROA: Less anxiety which has boosted my confidence at work and socially. I’ve always been good at appearing confident, but now I really FEEL it! Also not needing as much sleep (easier to get up in the mornings) and I just look a little better x
    • Jennifer Hildebrandt: Nailed it, ROA—I can so relate to “appearing” confident, when inside, I felt like a fraud, or just not focused, or listening well or remembering…all of that affects confidence immensely!
    • ROA: Jennifer Hildebrandt 100%
  • PR: I can wake up earlier a few of the times that I woke up 530 am went to the gym for a HIT class or a strength class … went to 4 work out days in a row last week and 3 days so far this week .. better able to push myself than just stay in bed .
    • Jennifer Hildebrandt: PR, that’s fantastic! I’m sleeping so well, but I dunno, I think the cold, dark MN winters are wearing on me—I still manage to hit “snooze” a few too many times! 😅 then again, I teach fitness classes, so that gives me an out, right??!! 😁
    • ROA: Jennifer Hildebrandt have you read 5 second rule? A section in there on the snooze button!!
  • LIN: My blood pressure went from 145/90 down to 113/77 (at my doctors appt Monday). I’ve lost 5 pounds this month. I also have felt joy bubbling up for the first time in years, and I’ve become much more productive in all areas of my life. I’m a lot less grumpy too!
    • Jennifer Hildebrandt The “less grumpy” is quite astounding, isn’t it, LIN?! I can’t believe how much less people irritate me these days (because it certainly wasn’t ME…! 😁
  • LDM: No more mood swings, skin is brighter, vision has actually improved, amazing sleep, just an overwhelming sense of peace and calm, more feelings of connection in my relationships, gratitude and joy every single day 💗🌸
    • Jennifer Hildebrandt: LDM, yes, to ALL of that! 💜
  • MCR: It’s been more than 30 days for me but my life, mental and physical health have improved immensely! I no longer require anti-depressants, I do not feel weepy, I feel calm and delighted by even the simplest things, my blood pressure, blood sugars and cholesterol all at healthy levels. So much easier to eat well and exercise daily when alcohol is removed. My eczema has cleared up completely. Life is great!!
  • CBL: Brain fog gone and blood pressure lower. Not completely normal yet but I feel like it’s just a matter of time.
  • SCD: The frequency and intensity of my hot flashes have gone down noticeably.

january 24, 2020—sparkles and shit

/ jenhildebrandt / Leave a comment

Good LORD. it took forEVER to figure out how to put side-by-side pics together…learning and growing the AFAF way. My Day 1/Day 24. I’m doing this today because the way time flies around this joint, Day 30 may come and go before I even know it. Today, I feel beyond great in every damned way possible, even though I’m tired, eating popcorn for dinner for the third night in a row and I haven’t washed my hair in at least that long because it’s winter in MN and that’s what we do around here this time of year. Or maybe that’s just me. Anyhow, who cares. I feel incredible, inside and out, washed hair or no, and that’s what matters.

Yeah, that Day 24 photo sparkles and shit, and I love how her skin glows and that smile that reaches to the corners of her eyes again. But, let’s talk about that Day 1 pic for a moment, shall we? Because that’s the one that really affects me, knowing the truth behind those sad, tired eyes and what she has gone through to get to Day 1. Because every damned day counts. Every day here matters. All those days that weren’t part of this experiment, that led up to Day 1? yep, them too. Every. damned. one. It’s *that* piece of evidence more than anything, that data point—those Day 1 tired eyes and that trying-hard-to-smile smile, that I am inexplicably, non-negotiably compelled to continue this journey beyond 30 days.

I have done 30 days AF numerous times in the past few years, always finishing with a wipe of the brow and a “phew! made it through that bullshit! Gimme my t-shirt! I’ll just check the “not an alcoholic!” box here, and be on my merry way to celebrate my 30 days with—a bottle of wine, of course!” But beyond 30 days? Has anyone ever even DONE that before??!!! And LIVED to tell the tale?? I know too well what life with alcohol is like; I’m so intrigued to know what the other world is like.

I’ve decided I don’t want any more t-shirts. (that’s me being metaphoric, btw. I don’t really have any t-shirts like that).

I have never before sat with myself and truly analyzed my relationship with alcohol like I have in this live experiment, a dig-deep and get all uncomfortable and dirty and all the feels-feeling kind of experiment that yielded results beyond my wildest expectations. I’ve never before thought about the fact that, other than a handful of 30 days scattered here and there and a medical crisis in the late 90s that forced me into abstinence for a while, I have not gone longer than 30 days without alcohol since I began drinking in earnest in college (we’re talking the 80s here). What a sobering (<—I suspect this is the most overused pun in the AFAF world) thought. I’ve never seriously thought about not drinking before (except for that nagging fear that my drinking would finally stagger into “that bad” territory and I’d be forced to), because that’s just the way it’s always been, how everyone I know has always been, and I didn’t even imagine it could be any other way, unless I got “that bad.” (and I know now that the only difference between me and ‘that bad’ is a matter of dumb luck and time).

I wish I could pin-point exactly what it was this time (or when), that not just tipped, but toppled the scales in favor of being AFAF 4 lyfe (getting that tattooed on my knuckles when we’re done, btw) over going back to what was. I’d say community is a big factor—this group has been nothing short of stunning—that I’d bare my soul as I have on the godforsaken soul-sucking wasteland of facebook, of all places??!! 😱😅still makes me shake my damned head in amusement. Y’all are incredible—your stories make me laugh, cry, catch my breath, stop me in my thoughts…you have restored my faith in humanity (which took a serious blow following the 2016 election in the US)…When is our REAL Live TAE get-together, btw? I want to meet every one of you in person and give you all a big ol’ hug, and I’m not a hugger, for the record. But, it has to be somewhere warm and sunny…

I’m quick to dismiss myself in so much of what I do, and not take credit when credit is due, but I know, with 100% certainty, that me making the commitment to put in the hard time here (and by “hard” I mean “worth every last second”), making this a priority above all else (even over washing my hair) has made my time here incredibly profound and life-altering, too. Every time I’d think “oh man, I don’t have time for a video,” or whatever, I’d do a quick A.C.T, and say “Oh really? Add up all those hours spent in a bar or home alone…Nice try.” The evidence is indisputable. I don’t need more evidence that drinking is not anything I used to believe—I was going to try Annie’s suggestion about filming myself drinking a bottle of wine, but the thought of that isn’t even of interest, because it means wasting a ridiculous amount of time getting wasted, then another day wasted, while recovering from being wasted, and we all know where that dead end road leads.

Right now, in this moment, this feel-good feeling is non-negotiable. I’m not willing to give it up, not even for a “data point.” But I am also a realist; I know that pink clouds can drift away and feel good feelings may wear thin in time, and the memories of what it’s like to live in an alcohol-tinged fog fade, and I might wonder “hmm. I wonder if can I drink in moderation?” I know the answer to that question already, and believe I’m better prepared to handle it in a different way than I have in the past, thanks you you all, to this live experiment, and to those sad but hope-filled Day 1 eyes. I don’t want to do that to her again.

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