january 4, 2020—morning reflections

Day 4, morning reflections…just watched Scott’s video, and began journaling in my companion book, and thought I’d share some of those thoughts here, as it truly is because of all of you and your brave journeys, wherever you are on the path, that I have these thought and experiences…today’s video topic is discomfort…this time around, thus far, I’m not experiencing mental discomfort. The many-times aforementioned “witching hour” triggers— whatever the “reward” we’ve conditioned ourselves to fall for—Friday nights after work always did it for me without fail—didn’t have their power over me last night. That’s not to say they won’t rear their ugly heads at some point, just saying that last night, they did not, and for that, I’m grateful. My physical cravings are almost nonexistent (so far); again, I’m not so delusional as to think I’m home-free. Instead, I’m full of wonder and gratitude that I slept soundly last night, and woke feeling truly refreshed for the first time in a very long time. I feel comfort in the knowledge that I have tools to apply, should things change. My dreams are more vivid and longer, like my subconscious is also starting to awaken and heal. Curiously, conversations with others feel easier and more genuine, confident, even, not clouded and distracted, obscured in a hung-over fog.

I kind of feel like I’m kicking back, coasting through this experiment with almost ease (“Get a grip, honey, it’s only day 4,” I can hear just about everyone, even myself, saying!!! , and I’m not suspicious of that, just observing. Because of so many of you and sharing your brave journeys, I feel better prepared, should things shift and morph over time, in fact, I expect it to, and i”ll write about them, too, as they happen (lucky you! . I don’t believe this is denial or a honeymoon phase; this is not my first AF rodeo, as someone on another post so aptly put it—alcohol has played a prominent, damaging role in my life for literally decades, and I’ve “tried” many times before to moderate, cut back, quit. BUT—this BUT is most essential, I believe: this is the first time I’ve made the decision to pursue this path intentionally, with community, and to do the actual hard work, even though it annoys the hell out of me because it takes so dammed much time and effort: to sit down and watch all those videos and to journal, and most scary of all, open up and immerse myself in this nourishing facebook community.

All of these things, I honestly believe, entwined with an alchemy I’ll never be able to explain, is making all the difference this time around. There is a grace and wisdom that comes from the stories of others who had been AF for weeks, or months, or years, and then weren’t, and then were again—that time they weren’t does NOT negate all the times they were. It all still counts, it all still matters.

There’s something of a gentleness wrapping me this time around…forgiveness, compassion and dare I say—love?—in a crowd of people who don’t even know me, and for just a few days, at that? How is this even possible? This is something I’ve never know before, and It cracks my ass up to know it’s coming from fucking facbeook, of all sources (now you know my real secret—mouth of a trucker), though the real source of that love and compassion and knowledge is this program, and all of you. My eyes and heart are open wide this morning, which scares the hell out of me, because I’m prone to closing everything up and running away—this is not me. Or is it the real me, finally, after 52 years, coming back home? I’m crying as I type… to replace shame, embarrassment, ridicule and judgment with the understanding of a collective of people who KNOW this, on so many unique, yet binding levels is a profound gift… to finally have actual scientific knowledge that it’s not ME who’s flawed, but alcohol that’s the honest-to-God, 100% genuine culprit is mind-blowing, a superpower that bestows confidence and compassion, humor and wisdom. I’m a “needs to know” kinda gal, and this powerful information that Annie and her team shares has so resonated with me, but reading is one thing; becoming an active participant in my own journey is something else entirely. Language matters—I’m loving all the options to “sober” or “recovering;” this choice to be AF is a super-power; the wicked internal critics that have followed me nearly all my life are fading into the background, losing their powers, like the witch in Oz melting under a bucket of water. Knowing I am not alone, that I’m amassing a wealth of knowledge and tools that will help, not hinder me—to find my own story in so many other stories here—you ALL are super heroes/heroines. Thank you for lifting me this morning and for the past 4 days. xo

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